2011 - A Year of Opportunities and Tough Choices

This past year has brought me to several pivotal professional, personal, and emotional crossroads in my life. Some were thrusted upon me, actions and decisions I never thought I would need to make so early in my life; and others I chose to undertake in search of perhaps less pragmatic, more ambitious paths. College may have been about exploring, expanding, and surpassing the limitations of my energy, intelligence, and passions, but the real world has left me with what the grim prospects of true “adulthood” is to be for the next 60 years of my life.

I have graduated from college with a double degree and a minor, moved back and left home within a week, stood up to my father for the first time in my life and had the ability to follow through, have had three blessedly short job searches, left two equally promising yet un-gratifying careers, supported my best friend through her marriage and pregnancy, applied for graduate school, found an apartment with my boyfriend, and have saved up enough money to pay off my rent, student loans, daily expenditures, and still have a bit left over for the car or graduate school fund I hope to one day need. Recounting all of this only reminds me of what I look ahead to: the looming expectations of graduate school, studying for the new GRE and what I hope to be a clincher for my admissions, making the transition back home as I reconcile with my father, deciding which path of Educational and Developmental Psychology I will pursue.

Yet despite all of this, I hope that 2012 will remind me that I’m just yet 22; I still have the whole world before me, a life yet unweighted with anything but my own ambitions. To lose sight of that would be to squander the youth I have left in me mourning for my uninhibited days, instead of freely pursuing the things I love most while I still can.

Love Letter to my Rutgers Family

Sappy disclaimer: I’m in that post-grad sentimental stage, so if you don’t like the smush, skip to your name/section/end =)

(If I tagged you but you weren't specifically named, it means that I haven't gotten around to writing yours but you are referred to as someone who's impacted me... Yea I got lazy/tired)

To my RCC family: RCC was the first place I ever felt at home in at Rutgers, and so much more than a student organization to me. I truly gained a FAMILY, a group of people I know I can count on to have my back, to believe in me, and whom I can see brilliant things coming from because I have witnessed firsthand the magnitude of your passion, determination, and focus.
Lo Gong Alex Chan, you have always treated me with the greatest kindness, generosity, and support that I’m certain I’m undeserving of; your humility, dedication, and practical rationality kept me from going off the deep end in the worst of times, and one of the rare people I know I can always count on to be there for me no matter the circumstances. Thank you for being so good to me, and I can’t wait to see the great successes I know is headed your way!
To my mui mui’s Tiffie and Lizzie: you girls were the shining stars in my RCC career, and I could not be more proud of the professional and personal growth I’ve seen in both of you! You both stepped up to the plate magnificently as Co-Presidents, while remaining the sweet, passionate, charming, loveable and pragmatic young women you’ve always been. I love you both like you were truly my mui muis, and know that if you ever need ANYTHING, give me a call and I’ll come running. Always.
To the jie jies and dai los that lead the way for me – Alex Chan, Jay Ho, Yuchen, Ying and others: It was YOUR inspiration, leadership, and encouragement that at once humbled me and invigorated my drive to uphold the foundations of family, unity, and responsibility you established five years ago. Thank you for setting the way and showing what it means to truly be a role model and inspiration to me when I needed someone to look up to the most. Alex and Jay: You guys believed and saw something in me when I had nothing to show for it. Your encouragement gave me the confidence to take up leadership, and the faith in the power of RCC’s familial ties. I can’t be grateful enough to you both… Yuchen: Mother! What a lady to look up to... you showed me how to be a fierce leader when necessary without compromising your loveable self, something I tried to emulate/replicate with hesitant success. Your compassion and selflessness will pay off with the kids you continue to inspire as a teacher! Ying: Though our interaction was brief in comparison, the deep impression you left always serves as the ultimate ideal of how I define leadership. You continue to be the person I hope to become, and your legacy won’t ever be forgotten by me.


To my aKDPhi Sisters: I would be NOTHING without this chapter. I could write pages about how much I owe this sisterhood, and the people who have encouraged, inspired, and pushed me to my limits and revealed to me the true meaning of determination, perseverance, faith, and sisterhood. I’m proud to be a sister of this Rutgers aKDPhi legacy, from the moment I pledged till the day I die, because I know this LnF to be eternal.
To my Biggie Diamante: I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve someone as GOOD as you. I have never (and I don’t think I ever will) met someone as loving, selfless, and unwavering as you have been to me. When I think of ideal sisterhood, I think of you, and I hope I make you proud one day! Thank you for never giving up on me, giving me 500% of your love, and being the perfect big <3
To my NuBs, Mommy Mo, and Pop: Nus – as far as personality goes, we are pretty much as opposite ends of the two-dimensional spectrum as it gets, but as Mommy Mo has said, we wouldn’t be complete even without just one of us there. You put up with all my crap and vice versa, we made it through everything together, and I couldn’t imagine us any other way. Love you guys <3 Mommy Mo – you are the GLUE to this family, just like any other mom. You showed us how to be strong, and face life together with strength, conviction, and with a no-bullshit attitude. You’re beautiful, strong, and intelligent, and I can’t wait to see you be a hot and successful MILF 20 years down the line! Pop X – One of the few people who know all of my facets, you’re one of my favourite people to be around. Thank you for being silly, reprimanding, motivational, sympathetic, and pragmatic when I needed it most.
Littles: Jouet – My little sis is the sweetest and most amiable girl I have ever met, and I am so proud to be able to call you little. You’ve shown such incredible sisterhood already, something crucial to our lineage, and I can’t wait to see you active and carry on that legacy. Pudgy – my silly, goofy doofus of a little bro – you take care of me and make sure I’m still sane, and read me like a book when I tell you I’m doing fine. I look forward to seeing you do big things and grow up to be an incredible young man.
Rascals - you kids are my pride and joy! Being a pledge mom to you guys was as much of a journey and learning process for me as it was for you, and I'm honored to be your Mummy (despite having coined my PE name that has forever haunted me after). Never forget that your strength lies in your differences, and that our sisterhood means we'll be there for each other, no matter what time of night or circumstance or temporary differences. I love you girls, and I will come back for you if you ever need... <3
Ninz – My PERSPECTIVE-giving, spunky, sassy, fiercely loyal, work/party hard wonderwoman. I would fight a hundred bitches for you. You’re amazing. Enough said <3
BooBie – my partner-in-crime, my “other woman”, and one of the best things to ever happen to me at Rutgers. Thanks for keeping it real with me, sharing my love for nearly EVERYTHING, being there for me when I needed you most (i.e. sharing your bed for nearly two months straight despite the fact that you’re germ-phobic and I’m chock full of them), and generally being a true sister. I am thoroughly convinced that there is no one good enough for you, and will always harbour a slight resentment towards your future husband for taking your attention and lovin away from me.
Wubs – you really are my wifey/husband. Hardworking and dedicated to a fault yet never pretentious or arrogant, unforgivingly dorky yet effortlessly cool, easy-to-adore but never demanding of it, I seriously fell in love with you from the moment I met you, and I’m so glad we’ve made it through these four years as sisters, and the rest of our lives. And this is the only time I will list what I really think of you, so I hope you have it saved, you unfaithful wench. I WILL DENY EVERYTHING.
Bigfoot and Cyndar – Bellissima! I can’t wait to be alums with you guys… Our sisterhood began when I pledged, but I know it’ll continue to grow even as we get old and wrinkly.


To my AACC family – This program was one of the most fulfilling, challenging, and gratifying experiences I have ever had the privilege of participating in. From the mentors that guided, pushed, and evaluated us, to the irreplaceable Junior Intern family that slaved together night and day, to the juggling act that was the Senior Internship, it was the people who shaped and taught me everything. I could not have accomplished what I have, and learned to be who I am today without the AACC.
Chris, Hao, Brian – you guys are the pain-in-the-ass siblings I never wanted to have… Being Interns – and more importantly, being family – with you has been such a privilege and a blessing. Your support, reassurance, and teasing got me through one of the most challenging years of my life, and I’m so glad to call you guys my fellow gammas. Chris – I mean it when I call you “goh”. I know I can count on you through everything, and even though you pretend to be gruff and stoic I know you’re marshmallow fluff inside when it comes to meee =). BK – You are such a sweetheart (er, I mean big manly Korean) underneath all that teasing, and you had my back no matter the circumstances. Thanks for always looking out for me, you’re going to do big things one day! Hao – the comic relief and the only one that was always on my side! You were always the (unconsciously) goofy one, yet I had so much to learn from you about professionalism and prioritization.
Emily - my love, my other partner in crime, and the one that always got me! You were one of the few people I met at Rutgers that I immediately knew I would adore and connect with. You are such a fierce, lovable, tour-de-force that never ceased to amaze me with your dedication and empathy. Thanks for being my girl in our rowdy band of JIs, you were all I ever needed <3

Victoria – I met you in the most unlikely of circumstances, and ultimately forged what was for me a friendship that was meant to be. You know a different side of me that few others can really say they understand, and we experienced a truly once in a lifetime experience together. Although we don’t get to see each other often (something that we MUST change!), you’ve remained one of the friends I trust to never judge, always empathize, and unfailingly break out into dance with, regardless of the situation. You are such a beautiful, intelligent, sassy, grounded girl, and I was truly blessed (and preordained!) to have met you.

To the people that have molded, driven, cared for, and contributed to the person I am today:

These past four years have been an incredible period of growth, happiness, and inspiration for me; I could not ask for a better college experience and more importantly a greater group of friends who couldn’t have treated me with greater kindness, faith, and love than you all. I truly appreciate, admire, and take for granted how supportive you have been, no matter how long I have known you for. I really mean it when I say that without you guys by my side, I would still be that dorky, unsure, unconfident fatty I came into college as. (She still lives on inside, but definitely overshadowed by the confidence and reassurance instilled in me!)

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I do know that whatever it is I face, I will have the guidance, support, and confidence of the friends who brought me this far. So here begins the rest of my life…

Why is it so hard to say I'm sorry. But even harder to forgive?

I wish I knew... But I'll try my best at this one. Admitting fault or misconduct is to violate one's sense of pride and attest to the fact that you have done something that has revealed a weakness in character, one that has or could be detrimental to a valuable relationship. But to forgive would be to acknowledge such a weakness or mistake, and choose to continue cultivating the relationship despite the violation of trust. To forgive is counterintuitive to one's rationality; why give credit to one's apology when they have discredited their own trustworthiness in past action/words before? But thankfully/unfortunately, human nature and sympathy sometimes leads us to accept such declarations in hopes and blind faith that the violation won't occur again. And sometimes, out of self-preservation, the acceptance of the apology cannot be justified to one's self. Who is to say which is the better choice but yourself? Which is more valuable to you, the terms that have been violated or the relationship itself?

Ask away!

Thoughts on political opinion.

Its no secret that I have various political stances on many different issues, some of which overlap or vary in philosophy. However, this is not a criticism of particular political opinions, but rather a commentary on what makes any political opinion valid, or at least worthy of respect or discussion.

1. It must be an educated, rational opinion. “Because I say so”; or, rather, “Because the Bible says so” is unacceptable and idiotic. Again, this is not an attack on any particular religion, but the dogma that accompanies a lack of separation of religion and state. Your Bible is not mine.

2. It must reflect a constituent body that shares your political opinion. Politics is not about two people arguing about who’s more right/wrong; its about the policies and methods that we use to govern ourselves and how it affects the people around us; similarly, this is why I believe that un-empirical, a priori ideology also fails.

3. It must prove, to a certain degree, that their particular stance is the one that is best and most valid for the purposes of serving their constituent body. (To me, that means an American political opinion must prove itself to be the one that serves AMERICANS the best, a tricky parameter when people’s opinions of what it means to be American are vastly, vastly different)

4. Finally, and most relevant to my recent personal attacks, they must remain disengaged from yourself or the personal characteristics of the person you debate against. The validity of a political opinion is primarily founded on educated, rational, empirical and thoughtful reflection on the state of affairs. When a political debate becomes a personal attack, the aggressors’ opinion instantly becomes invalidated because of this obvious, apparent weakness in rationality. If you have been reduced to personal insult and degradation to attempt to prove your point is better than mine, you’ve ultimately hammered the last nail on your coffin, and effectively made yourself sound like a total prick who isn’t smart enough to actually come up with any valid, true assertions.

So thank you, sir/ma’am (although I fear for your future if you’re a woman), for further validating my political stances. Its been with great pleasure that I receive your childish insults, because it makes me feel smarter and better informed than you.

And if anyone has any true political opinion they would like to share or discuss with me, I would be more than happy to talk to you on a respectful, academic platform.

Love has made me...

crazy. uncivilized. cold. cruel. irrational. violent.

not myself.

Cultural Self-Degradation

I fucking hate kids who think they’re the shit because they don’t hang out with members of their own cultural community, as though hanging out with white kids and being the token asian/black/hispanic makes them cool by default. As though shame of not looking like the commercial American can be buried under a Jersey accent and Abercrombie shirts. As though their rejection of their own cultural background will help them integrate even better into the fabric of American society, ignorant of the fact that their background IS what makes them AMERICAN. As though ethnicity and identity is something you can dismiss and shed like a dirty, embarrassing outfit your parents dressed you up in and not the skin you wear for the rest of your life.

What makes me even more fucking angry is when they think that PARTAKING in the racial slurs and jokes that condemn and subjugate members of their own background- jokes based on ignorance they’re fully well aware of- will help them achieve solace in balancing two cultural identities. Or rather, the complete rejection of one through self-degradation. Well, it doesn’t. It makes you a fucking asshole and a real damn shame to the community and demographic you represent, whether you like it or not.
And what’s worst is, I know your family. I know your father and your mother and your little sisters, and they’re incredible and sweet and hope for the best for you, to see their son and brother to be a true asset to society and live a life they never could’ve achieved in their home country- a combination of their cultural values with the freedom and liberty of American society. They wanted the American dream for you.

I hope you know your self-degradation is what perpetuates racism in this country. Because if you won’t defend your own self-worth and identity, who will?

2011

My annual new year posts, in the past, had always been anticipations of the following year, of high expectations and goals to be met with a fierce determination and unwavering focus. Every year, I knew what my next steps would be: proving my own worth to myself my freshman year (met through pledging and crossing aKDPhi and winning Programming Chair of RCC); then conquering my posts as an AACC Junior intern, RCC VP External, and aKDPhi sister my sophomore year; and finally, fulfilling my high expectations as AACC Intern, RCC President, and aKDPhi Pledge Mom my junior year. And every year, I was grateful and humbled by the love and support of the people around me, whose strength, faith, and simple presence in my life made this juggle bearable and possible.

This year is different. I look back at the past three years with a grim satisfaction of the culmination of my hard work, and with a deep appreciation for my friends and family, but I no longer know what my next steps are. I try to do all the right things- gaining internship experience, working part-time as a waitress to pay for rent, working on my grades to get them up to par; but for what? What ends do the merits of my hard work achieve, and for what purpose? So I can sit at a tiny desk in the UN, hoping to save the world one file at a time? So I can work for some publications/news/journalism giant, grabbing coffee for Katie Couric's assistant's assistant? And I only realize now, the direction my pursuits have taken me towards...

I am still naive. I still believe and hope that I can save the world from itself; only now, instead of saving it one child at a time, by going into the world of international human rights and political advocacy. Except I fear that the latter is much more futile than the former. And I wonder whether that makes all of my hard work futile by relation.

Dreams Deferred

I ran into an old student of mine from Chinese school today at dinner with my family. I had taught Kindergarten for three years, and had him when he was five; now, at 13 and a full 8 years later, I barely recognized him. He was one of the first set of many children I would teach over the course of my high school career - I was only 14 when I first taught him, and I saved the little drawings he made for me, still taped on the wall in the corner of my room. It was a revelation to see him today, so grown up, and even more of a shocker when he shyly came up to me and asked for my facebook(!! of all things!!).

The encounter reminded me of the passion I once harbored for teaching and working with children; nearly every job I took in high school involved teaching kids. In addition to weekly Chinese school classes, I taught taekwondo children's beginner and advanced two times a week, guppy swimming 3 times a week, and worked as a swim camp counselor for a summer. I loved every minute of it, and damnit, I was good at it. I had a quiet patience for the naughtiest of children, an ironic contrast to the low tolerance I have for ill-behaved kids my age; I saw these kids, and overcoming their difficulties and barriers and winning their love and respect, as the ultimate mark of my capabilities as a teacher. Much more than that, I hoped to touch their hearts and minds and gain some insight into the ways in which their innocent eyes perceived, understood, and responded to the world, a fascination that led me into the field of child and developmental psychology. I had grand dreams that years later, they would still remember me as "Ali jie jie" (big sister Ali), the teacher that they shared a mutual adoration and respect for/with.

Today, I'm just relieved that he still recognizes me. When Daniel peered into my face as I asked him playfully in Cantonese "Don't you remember/recognize me?", he replies, "Yes, but you look very different now." I realized that the changes we've both endured. He is no longer the affectionate, witty five-year-old that drew me a portrait of my 14-year-old self dunking a basketball with a giant heart tattoo on my forehead (a portrait I take as a high compliment). And I am no longer that naive, optimistic 14-year-old with my pursuit of a simple passion for teaching.

What happened to this deep passion? At what point did this dream of being a child psychologist and teacher get pushed aside for a more "pragmatic" and "practical" occupation? Why did I let this dream, which could've made me so happy, slip away? And how did politics- the very opposite of the traits I'd admired in children (honesty, frankness, an open soul and mind to the world worth interpreting and probing), become the very thing I look to be involved with?

Size Medium

For Christmas, my sister got me our traditional present - VS Pink undies (for kicks and for practicality; I don’t get to do laundry much at school -__-). My heart skipped a beat and then sank when I saw the tag label - a tiny embossed “M” at the end of the pink tag.

Why should I be so bothered by the size? I’ve always known that I have a big booty for an Asian girl; heck, I’m bigger on almost all areas for an Asian girl! My sisters have always commented on my ‘donk, giving a playful slap for good measure now and then; but always reassuring me that it was a good thing to have a big butt (compliments I’m, to be honest, rather reluctant to believe, although I know they come from a good place). But I realize now that what I had a problem with was not the size of my butt, but with the fact that any part of my body was no longer a size “S”.

And what’s so wrong with no longer being a small? Growing up, I’ve had my thin moments, but they’ve always been just that - moments. I’ve always pursued my avid love for food, and while I’ve never been outright fat, I was always my mom’s “siew boon” - little fatty (it’s alot more affectionate-sounding in Cantonese, I swear!). But I have always been healthy. and always happy with how I looked, whether that came from self-ignorance or heightened self- awareness, I’m never quite sure.

I will never be built like a dancer- like Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley with bones as delicate as a bird’s- because I have never been a dancer. I will always be built like the fighter I grew up training as, with defined muscular legs, strong arms and pecs and shoulders, and yes, a bit of a belly because - lets face it, if you spent all day in a taekwondo dojangg training, you’d be pigging out when you got home too. But I’m proud of these muscles that have carried me so far, of these legs that seemed to never lose their strength even when college threatened their demise, of the scars and cuts and bruises I wore like badges on my knees and elbows at school, prizes and battle scars won from sweat and hard work.

Those days are rather far behind me now, and I admit that I could really use some serious training time at a dojangg. But I also have decided to embrace my big ass - because I am already not a size small. I am 5’ 6”, and 127lbs (124 on a good day). I have relatively slim, strong arms and legs, chubby face, small boobs, big belly, and even bigger butt. And it’s time for me to stop chasing numbers and embossed letter sizes, and get back to the old, proud ME. Even if that’s a Size Medium.

Gratitude

I'll keep this short and simple, because I don't intend for this to be some sort of lengthy poetic narrative, but merely as a reminder of what I should remember every day of my life. And as a timestamp of the many many wonderful things I have to be grateful for in this 21st year of my life.

I am grateful for the never-ending guidance and support of my sisters: the love and humour and mental sympathy of the sisters I am currently active with; the worldly guidance, affection, and candid advice of the alums that see so much potential in me; and the colorful personalities, characters, and backgrounds of which they possess and come from that only serve to brighten my life.

I am grateful for a healthy and loving family: for a father, while stoic and difficult, shows his affection, dedication, wit, and love through his own stubborn ways; for a mother whose overbearing love permeates my heart and guides me towards being a better woman and daughter; for a brother that has served to be the greatest role model of all, showing that a huge heart and perseverance can overcome any obstacles life throws at you; and for a sister that has never needed words or additional explanation to look into the very core of me and know who I am, the pain I feel, and the instant love and sense of sympathy I find from just one look.

I am grateful for the boy who has loved me through all my faults, my stubbornness; who's seen right through my facades and attempts to be stoic and resistant. You've shown me that love cannot be dismissed or saved for later; its something we must treasure and appreciate right now, while it lasts. An amazing person and a truly good man (a rarity above all), I'm grateful to have you in my life.

I am grateful for the friends that have shown me such sincerity and care throughout these past couple weeks; who, despite having exchanged few words in real life, have never hesitated to offer me a kind word or encouraging post. Yes, I am talking about you!

And finally, I am grateful for the opportunity at a bright future - for a chance at success that is both at once frightening and liberating. The world is mine for the taking, and I plan on taking it by storm. I cannot let all the people above me down; this is my exchange for my gratitude.