Gratitude

I'll keep this short and simple, because I don't intend for this to be some sort of lengthy poetic narrative, but merely as a reminder of what I should remember every day of my life. And as a timestamp of the many many wonderful things I have to be grateful for in this 21st year of my life.

I am grateful for the never-ending guidance and support of my sisters: the love and humour and mental sympathy of the sisters I am currently active with; the worldly guidance, affection, and candid advice of the alums that see so much potential in me; and the colorful personalities, characters, and backgrounds of which they possess and come from that only serve to brighten my life.

I am grateful for a healthy and loving family: for a father, while stoic and difficult, shows his affection, dedication, wit, and love through his own stubborn ways; for a mother whose overbearing love permeates my heart and guides me towards being a better woman and daughter; for a brother that has served to be the greatest role model of all, showing that a huge heart and perseverance can overcome any obstacles life throws at you; and for a sister that has never needed words or additional explanation to look into the very core of me and know who I am, the pain I feel, and the instant love and sense of sympathy I find from just one look.

I am grateful for the boy who has loved me through all my faults, my stubbornness; who's seen right through my facades and attempts to be stoic and resistant. You've shown me that love cannot be dismissed or saved for later; its something we must treasure and appreciate right now, while it lasts. An amazing person and a truly good man (a rarity above all), I'm grateful to have you in my life.

I am grateful for the friends that have shown me such sincerity and care throughout these past couple weeks; who, despite having exchanged few words in real life, have never hesitated to offer me a kind word or encouraging post. Yes, I am talking about you!

And finally, I am grateful for the opportunity at a bright future - for a chance at success that is both at once frightening and liberating. The world is mine for the taking, and I plan on taking it by storm. I cannot let all the people above me down; this is my exchange for my gratitude.

The things I wish I could say... Insomnia, Nov. 09 Edition

1. You've known me longer and better than anyone on this earth, but I wish we didn't fight so much. why is it so hard to get along with you, even though you've been there all along? What is it about us that makes us constantly abuse and neglect each other, knowing that we'll still be there despite it all? Even though its true, its taking a toll on us. And I hate it.

2. In a million years, I never imagined that our friendship would be reduced to this. All the petty things I saw you do to everyone else, never would I have thought you would end up doing to me. I suppose its not worth my pride to pursue or salvage what's left of it, but still, it makes me sad to think of what was, and what is.

3. We lose touch of each other time and time again, but we've always had one of those timeless friendships that bring us back to exactly where we left off, and I'm so thankful that there's one thing that remains undeterred, despite the changes we've taken on and have been in effect around us. Thanks for being the source of laughter and support, despite our incessant neglect for each other.

4. You seem so nice on the surface, but I can't help but feel like it's just all a fake front. And I can't figure out for the life of me whether its just me, or if you're really wearing a mask. It makes me nervous around you.

5. Please stop making me worry about you. Making all of us worry about you. It hurts when you disappear like that; I want to know not because I think I can fix it (whatever IT is), but because we have a right as people who care about you to know what the heck's going on. It's not fair.

6. Sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy of you. You're so... good. You're good and straight and sweet and smart and sympathetic and I could never stand it if I ever let you down. I'm constantly trying to think of ways to be a better person for you, but I always get that desperate feeling that no matter what I do I'll let you down if you really knew the truth. So I keep trying.

7. I know you're not doing everything you can. I know you're smarter than that. I've always looked up to you, but that's worn off over the past couple years, and now I don't know what to make of you anymore. Try a little harder; I still have faith in you!

8. Seriously, I can't stand your excuses. You're such a disappointment, especially when I'd placed such high hopes on you. Seeing you push your responsibility away and the resentment in everyone else's faces makes me feel guilty for making excuses for you all along. Prove us wrong. Prove me wrong.

9. I feel like you have one of those magnetic personalities that attract everyone around you to you. Except for me. Why don't I feel that way about you? Am I just not worth the effort for you to try to befriend? It's like there's a circle of exclusivity that surrounds you and the people that adore you and bide for your affection, one that I'm not in. It makes me feel worthless for a moment, but then I get over it.

10. You show up to stuff late, make tireless excuses for yourself, don't pull your own weight, and get away with it all because you're pretty and charming. I'm pretty envious, and don't blame you for a second - if I had those powers of persuasion and could get away guilt-free (mostly from my own conscience), I'd probably do it too. I envy people like you that can take things so lightly; it probably makes life alot easier.