For Christmas, my sister got me our traditional present - VS Pink undies (for kicks and for practicality; I don’t get to do laundry much at school -__-). My heart skipped a beat and then sank when I saw the tag label - a tiny embossed “M” at the end of the pink tag.
Why should I be so bothered by the size? I’ve always known that I have a big booty for an Asian girl; heck, I’m bigger on almost all areas for an Asian girl! My sisters have always commented on my ‘donk, giving a playful slap for good measure now and then; but always reassuring me that it was a good thing to have a big butt (compliments I’m, to be honest, rather reluctant to believe, although I know they come from a good place). But I realize now that what I had a problem with was not the size of my butt, but with the fact that any part of my body was no longer a size “S”.
And what’s so wrong with no longer being a small? Growing up, I’ve had my thin moments, but they’ve always been just that - moments. I’ve always pursued my avid love for food, and while I’ve never been outright fat, I was always my mom’s “siew boon” - little fatty (it’s alot more affectionate-sounding in Cantonese, I swear!). But I have always been healthy. and always happy with how I looked, whether that came from self-ignorance or heightened self- awareness, I’m never quite sure.
I will never be built like a dancer- like Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley with bones as delicate as a bird’s- because I have never been a dancer. I will always be built like the fighter I grew up training as, with defined muscular legs, strong arms and pecs and shoulders, and yes, a bit of a belly because - lets face it, if you spent all day in a taekwondo dojangg training, you’d be pigging out when you got home too. But I’m proud of these muscles that have carried me so far, of these legs that seemed to never lose their strength even when college threatened their demise, of the scars and cuts and bruises I wore like badges on my knees and elbows at school, prizes and battle scars won from sweat and hard work.
Those days are rather far behind me now, and I admit that I could really use some serious training time at a dojangg. But I also have decided to embrace my big ass - because I am already not a size small. I am 5’ 6”, and 127lbs (124 on a good day). I have relatively slim, strong arms and legs, chubby face, small boobs, big belly, and even bigger butt. And it’s time for me to stop chasing numbers and embossed letter sizes, and get back to the old, proud ME. Even if that’s a Size Medium.
