Size Medium

For Christmas, my sister got me our traditional present - VS Pink undies (for kicks and for practicality; I don’t get to do laundry much at school -__-). My heart skipped a beat and then sank when I saw the tag label - a tiny embossed “M” at the end of the pink tag.

Why should I be so bothered by the size? I’ve always known that I have a big booty for an Asian girl; heck, I’m bigger on almost all areas for an Asian girl! My sisters have always commented on my ‘donk, giving a playful slap for good measure now and then; but always reassuring me that it was a good thing to have a big butt (compliments I’m, to be honest, rather reluctant to believe, although I know they come from a good place). But I realize now that what I had a problem with was not the size of my butt, but with the fact that any part of my body was no longer a size “S”.

And what’s so wrong with no longer being a small? Growing up, I’ve had my thin moments, but they’ve always been just that - moments. I’ve always pursued my avid love for food, and while I’ve never been outright fat, I was always my mom’s “siew boon” - little fatty (it’s alot more affectionate-sounding in Cantonese, I swear!). But I have always been healthy. and always happy with how I looked, whether that came from self-ignorance or heightened self- awareness, I’m never quite sure.

I will never be built like a dancer- like Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley with bones as delicate as a bird’s- because I have never been a dancer. I will always be built like the fighter I grew up training as, with defined muscular legs, strong arms and pecs and shoulders, and yes, a bit of a belly because - lets face it, if you spent all day in a taekwondo dojangg training, you’d be pigging out when you got home too. But I’m proud of these muscles that have carried me so far, of these legs that seemed to never lose their strength even when college threatened their demise, of the scars and cuts and bruises I wore like badges on my knees and elbows at school, prizes and battle scars won from sweat and hard work.

Those days are rather far behind me now, and I admit that I could really use some serious training time at a dojangg. But I also have decided to embrace my big ass - because I am already not a size small. I am 5’ 6”, and 127lbs (124 on a good day). I have relatively slim, strong arms and legs, chubby face, small boobs, big belly, and even bigger butt. And it’s time for me to stop chasing numbers and embossed letter sizes, and get back to the old, proud ME. Even if that’s a Size Medium.

Gratitude

I'll keep this short and simple, because I don't intend for this to be some sort of lengthy poetic narrative, but merely as a reminder of what I should remember every day of my life. And as a timestamp of the many many wonderful things I have to be grateful for in this 21st year of my life.

I am grateful for the never-ending guidance and support of my sisters: the love and humour and mental sympathy of the sisters I am currently active with; the worldly guidance, affection, and candid advice of the alums that see so much potential in me; and the colorful personalities, characters, and backgrounds of which they possess and come from that only serve to brighten my life.

I am grateful for a healthy and loving family: for a father, while stoic and difficult, shows his affection, dedication, wit, and love through his own stubborn ways; for a mother whose overbearing love permeates my heart and guides me towards being a better woman and daughter; for a brother that has served to be the greatest role model of all, showing that a huge heart and perseverance can overcome any obstacles life throws at you; and for a sister that has never needed words or additional explanation to look into the very core of me and know who I am, the pain I feel, and the instant love and sense of sympathy I find from just one look.

I am grateful for the boy who has loved me through all my faults, my stubbornness; who's seen right through my facades and attempts to be stoic and resistant. You've shown me that love cannot be dismissed or saved for later; its something we must treasure and appreciate right now, while it lasts. An amazing person and a truly good man (a rarity above all), I'm grateful to have you in my life.

I am grateful for the friends that have shown me such sincerity and care throughout these past couple weeks; who, despite having exchanged few words in real life, have never hesitated to offer me a kind word or encouraging post. Yes, I am talking about you!

And finally, I am grateful for the opportunity at a bright future - for a chance at success that is both at once frightening and liberating. The world is mine for the taking, and I plan on taking it by storm. I cannot let all the people above me down; this is my exchange for my gratitude.

Books I have read, and plan on reading:

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy longest summer of my life!!

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker ;)

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazu Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Last class registration at Rutgers. Ever.

When did time fly by so quickly? When did life get so complicated, and feel so grown-up and troubled? The realities of age has hit me like a brick this semester, and can’t say that I’m taking it well. I’ve always been self-sufficient and confident, but as the prospects of graduation draws nearer, and old age begins to affect my loved ones, I begin to realize the magnitude of the responsibilities that I’m about to undertake within the next year.
I logged into Degree Navigator today, and clicked through all of my programs.
SAS Requirements Completed: 5 of 5
Communications Requirements Completed: 5 of 6
Psychology Requirements Completed: 6 of 7
Philosophy Requirements Completed: 1 of 1
After this point, there will be no checklist to fulfill, no completion of requirements that will dictate when one chapter of our life will end and when the next begins. I’ve always been a devoted rule-follower, the best at looking forward at my next goal and completing it with passion and focus. But what’s in store for me next? What should my next steps be, and which way do I go? And why do I feel as though, despite my confidence and self-esteem, I am the only one so lost? Do I take the direction of nonprofit, and pursue my passions in political and social work? Do I go for the security of Public Relations, something I know I will excel in but have no particular interest for? Or do I stay in the world of academia, an environment reassuring and comforting to me, but makes me claustrophobic and sheltered? And what about my original passion in Child Psychology?

The Sublimity of Cetrella

Sublimity is an all-encompassing word used to describe the emotionally appealing and moving power of a particular noun (thing, person, place); regardless of the context with which it is used, sublimity has always referred to the divinity a thing can encompass. In Longinus’ definition of sublimity, he uses the term to describe the higher elevated thought or language, often used to describe rhetoric and the awe-inspiring or persuasive power of a discourse or text. But in my usage, I will use the definition of sublimity in reference to the loftiness or aesthetic elevation of a particular place or thing; in particular, of a place that has achieved such an inspiring and timeless aura and experience that could transcend any rift of language or philosophy or time. This is in reference to Immanuel Kant’s understanding of sublime – that sublimity is to be found in a formless object, unable to be replicated or shaped by any effort but sublime of its own accord and in its very existence.

I have found a place that has fit this definition, ironically, in a place surrounded and contained by materialism and expensively quantified, capitalistic lifestyles that attempt to cultivate the beautiful in imitation of sublimity, but not quite reaching it. It is so well hidden that it has retained its ethereal quality; in fact, we did not search for it but rather stumbled into it, with a guide that fit the exact caregiver of such a sublime place.

To begin understanding why I chose this place as the subject of sublimity, I will first explain the circumstances that brought me there in the first place. The location of the sublime, a valley in the heart of Capri called Cetrella, can only be accessed by taking the single-person cable car up to the highest peak of the island, and then choosing to take the rocky dirt road down instead of the 10 minute cable car ride back. It is because of this that it is so carefully guarded; the 4 mile steep hike back into Anacapri is no mean feat, and so mostly avoided by those not daring or motivated enough to see the entirety of the island. My group of friends and I begin the hike wearily, only to run into an old Italian/German gentleman that communicates with us through hand gestures, and waves for us to follow him. I guessed his age to be around the 70s, judging from the wiry health of his body and the way he gracefully and expertly maneuvers through the rocky dirt paths, a string of kids a quarter of his age tripping along behind him (we later find out he is close to 90 years old). The road forks, and he leads us down (literally) the road less traveled, a narrow dirt pathway with ribs of tree roots threatening our ankles (I have a splinter as proof) until we reach a clearing with a workshop and, in the distance, the whitewashed domed cap of a church in the distance. Next to the workshop, a terrace is perched precariously on the edge of the cliff, and the gentleman sits us down and yells through the workshop doors, procuring a band of sweaty, middle-aged Italian men from its depths. (The view from the terrace, as well as the site of the clearing and workshop and church itself, as a part of the sublimity of the experience, but more of that later.) They pull chairs and tables and a tablecloth onto the terrace, and then the parade of food begins – a full five course meal, complete with wine, water, and coffee. It’s hospitality that we’re unaccustomed to, and we’re wary of their kindness, but the appeal of the food and the view overpowers us, and we dive in after some hesitation. One of the workmen, in broken English, explains to us who they are and what was this place tucked away in the heart of Capri: the men were part of a society called “Amici di Cetrella”, and they were a group, lead by Antonino (our gentleman guide!) to preserve this valley of Cetrella from the commercialism that the rest of the island had been overtaken with. The land that the terrace, clearing, church, workshop, and a nearby home (that had been transformed into a museum by the society) sat on had been under speculation to be completely mowed over and replaced by a golf course, another by-product of the capitalism that ran the popular vacation spot for the wealthy. Since this speculation, the organization teamed up with locals and the government to fight such attempts to commercialize this last natural gem of Capri; now, the property is carefully managed and kept by the men in the workshop, who work there once a week every summer to repair the foundation and walls of the church, workshop, and museum. We had managed to call on them right after their afternoon meal, and were thereby rewarded with the surplus of their lunch – one of the most delicious meals and wonderful dining experiences I had ever experienced. After our meal, Antonino, our elderly guide, takes care to lead us through a winding path up to the church, behind the church doors and into the basement, where some men reside (their relation to the church was unexplained, but it can be assumed that they are the caretakers or pastors of the church). He explains in hand gestures and repetitive Italian that he had been the one who repaired the crumbling foundation of the church over 25 years ago. There is more to this story, but this description alone is sufficient to begin understanding the sublimity of this place and the experience that brought us there.

The location of Cetrella, as mentioned previously, is nestled in the heart of Capri, a thousand meters up a precarious slope from Anacapri and down an equally precarious path from the peak of the island. The location is key to the sublimity of Cetrella; where the island is marked in time by the commercialism of its tourists and inhabitants, transformed by the wealth of its patrons into a bustling, haughty, narcissistic playground of the elite, Cetrella remains timeless and preserved in a veil of careful seclusion. Without this seclusion, the rarity and magnitude of which its inhabitants, views, and emotional appeal embody would be merely beautiful but not precious or as awe-inspiring. Sublimity can only work if it can induce an emotional response from the onlooker by introducing a remarkable thing that has never been seen before, or can be replicated to be seen somewhere else; the experience of taking in the sublime must exist only in that experience, at that place and nowhere else.

The motivation of the men is also central to the sublimity of the place. Longinus argues that the ethical qualities of the subject of sublimity are key to the magnitude and aesthetic gravity the sublime object holds. Because the “Amici di Cetrella” are attempting to preserve the perfect, untouched and simple beauty of the land from the capitalism that would undoubtedly manipulate it into another product of wealth and class order, they recognize the sublime quality of the land that should not be eradicated. As Kant believed, the sublime is simple and sacred; it can not be manipulated and cultivated for any other purpose than to further its sublimity and the appreciation of it, or it will lose its awe-inducing power. Because this type of qualification of the sublime does not fall under the capitalistic measurement of a thing, the sublimity of it cannot be furthered by capitalism (which aims only to make profit out of its qualified goods). Furthermore, the hospitality and open arms with which we were received, and the generosity of the organization is only further elucidation to the sublime quality of their ungreedy personalities and what Aristotle would refer to as their “divine souls”. The sublime beauty of the valley itself would no longer exist without the morality and good hearts of these men, and so they too are part of the sublime quality of Cetrella.

Finally, it is the site itself and the view it offers that is the most awe-inspiring of all the qualities of the sublime. The terrace, as well as the back of the church, looks out over the aqua-blue waters of the ocean punctuated by the craggy cliffs, rocks, and streaks of white foam speedboats leave behind as they cut through the water. Anacapri can be seen if you climb the sloping stairs to the east side of the church, but aside from the occasional speedboat, one can easily imagine himself in a place completely uninhabited and untouched by man. The site itself looks like a description right out of “Anne of Green Gables”, all filtered rays of light beaming through flowering branches and strands of grass spilling out and tripping you on the fine dirt trails. The freedom and liberty of the land that allows it to take its natural shape means that it is naturally sublime and not shaped and cultivated – sublimity cannot be artificially or premeditatively created, as demonstrated by Cetrella. It has a (physical and aesthetic)loftiness or greatness that can attempt to be imitated by others, attempted to be encapsulated in photographs but the experience with which it comes with can never be duplicated.

This is the sublimity of Cetrella.

MINE

btw, if you happen to be reading this, I'm sorry if my writing's been sucking lately. It's just that i've been completely overwhelmed with everything that I've seen and done lately that I have no time or energy to process it thoughtfully and put it into the words I can't seem to find right now. For now, this blog will not serve as my medium for thoughtful expression, but merely as a journal to collect my experiences so that they won't be lost. More thoughtful entries later.

Week 2

Day 1 (of Week 2)

Classes began... the course material and discussions are incredibly interesting, but the workload is insane. i've already found myself spending alot of time doing homework... alot more than I usually do over a semester back at home. Meet Allaire and Chael, and afterwards head back to the apartment to chill. Talk to Marcia for the first time in weeks, and I realize how much i miss her - it really has been the longest time that we've been apart, and we're living such different lives right now... head out around 5 to watch Eclipse with Liz, Ryan, Catherine, and Robert. We literally trek all the way across Rome into the Touristy end, PAST the Pantheon, just to catch the movie in English. Was surprised by how good the movie was, and even better, how COMFY the seats in the Roman movie theater was - you literally get individual couches! Walked back to the Pantheon, grabbed a panini, and ate dinner on the fountain right staring at it's entrance. That's when it hit me- I'm not just any tourist in Rome - I live here now. I eat lunch on the steps of Roman arches and fountains that have been here for hundreds of years, staring at apartments and walking on cobblestone streets steeped in history - and I don't even realize how much I should be in awe of this. It was just another dinner, another place to sit down and chill in the shadow of the monument where Bernini and Victor Emmanuel now lies. Despite my newly found jadedness, we walk over to the Fountain of the Four Rivers (where in Angels and Demons, the Albino drowns the man before Tom Hanks gets the chance to save him), and I click away with my camera and pretend to be Robert Langdon. We trek all the way back to Trastevere, and grab gelato on the way - of course.

Day 2 - just another day of classes. we cook for the first time in our apartment, and we all eat together - just pasta with meat and vegetables. Manage to finish my homework and pass out by 1. I must wake up by 8:15 every day to get to class by 9... it's a weird occurrence for me, but I'm adapting to waking up earlier.

Day 3 - Class all day. Eat lunch with Allaire and Chael and two other boys, and then head back to Guarini campus to try to get some work done. End up falling asleep on the couch in the lounge instead, and wake up to Ryan's phone call for the cooking class. We make carbonara, some beef skewers with cheese and sage, and tiramisu with a gorgeous Italian chef, Andrea. I think he liked me (as a student) because he spoke to me more than the others and assigned me more cooking. Ate with Ryan, Josh, and Craig, and then left for the Spain/Germany World Cup game that was to be broadcasted by FIFA at the Villa Borghese. it takes us almost an hour to get there, and we get lost in Rome and end up watching the last five minutes of the game in an American bar in the middle of tourist district. I trek back quite late with Josh and Craig, and finish my papers and reading...

Day 4 - today! I have four readings and a paper to finish, and I am planning on going to Tuscany this weekend... it's going to be a great weekend, but I hate that I have these readings in the back of my mind... I'll just have to try to cram it all in now before I leave.

Random Observations

I've just spent my first day in Rome, and while I could go on and on and on about HOW FREAKING UNBELIEVABLY GORGEOUS everything is, I think my FB album pretty much explains all of it. Instead, there's so quirky things about Rome and Italy I want to remember.

1. There are billboards displayed on every single road. even the country bumpkin ones, where you think you could evade the commericals but you turn a sharp corner and there's a half-naked woman selling apple juice in your face. No joke. Oh yea, and these billboards mostly consist of two things, which brings me to 2 & 3

2. People are evidently VERY open about sexuality and the human body, because I've seen more gay guys kissing and half naked women on posters and billboards than I have in NYC. Seriously. It's kinda cool that they're so open and liberal about it, but those italian models makeme wanna cut back on the gelato a teensy bit. (yea right, who am I kidding?!)

3. Football is EVERYWHERE. In every corner of the airport, plastered across buses, and yes, in the aforementioned billboards as well. Again, I don't mind (hubba hubba =D), and the men, I will admit, are QUITE gorgeous here. Actually, fuck, everyone is gorgeous here. Being Asian and looking a little different from the rest of the American students here is a bit of a plus for me, I guess; at least I'm not plain or blend into the crowd easily.

4. Rome really is the city for love. There's passionate Italian couples everywhere, and the people are sweet and accomodating (besides the jerks that laugh at my terrible Italiano).

UPDATE

5. There are old-fashioned iron fountains EVERYWHERE, just for drinking. they're pumped out of the centuries-old aqueducts that still, to this day, work. we refill our water bottles and wash our face every time we pass one - the water is cold and delicious. Incredible, how easy it is to get along in Roma.

Day 5

Went to the first day of classes today. Woke up at 8, rolled around for a bit before hopping up, throwing on my romper, and jumping on the tram to get my ass to class. The first one - intercultural communication - has around 12 students, and the teacher immediately proceeds to tell us about the daily reading assignment and paper. We watch "Monsoon Wedding", which is actually pretty damn good, and I head next door after class with Allaire for our next one, Survey of Rhetoric. It only has four students, and the professor is a quirky old academic that compares Tupac to Gorgias. I head back to the apt with Liz and Ryan after class, and chat with Marcia for a while and try to nap. Catherine and Robert get back, and we all head out around 5 to catch an english viewing of Eclipse all the way across Roma. We revisit the Pantheon afterwards and grab a panini (where I left a beautiful purple belt I bought for Marcia...), then the Fountain of the Four Rivers (Piazza Navona). We walk back the full four miles... my legs are getting super strong! More class tomorrow...

Journal for Roma

Day 1: arrived at Rome, slept off jetlag and explored Trastavere (Rome's oldest neighborhood and now my temporary backyard). Got lost in back alleys of Rome and found street after street of postcard-worthy buildings and cobblestone and signs. Actually, the entirety of Rome could probably be a postcard. Ate dinner with Roomies Mary-Margaret and Alyse - carbonara with a glass of sauvignon. Passed out from weak stomach.

Day 2: Orientation. Had ridiculously strong cappucino, met Liz, Ryan, Catherine, Robert, and Ryan (my non couple buddy) and attended orientation all day. Had ice cream for lunch because of weak stomach. Walked to the Colosseum after last orientation, saw the Roman Forum, the Circus Maximus, Colosseum, and other theatres and crazy/incredible Roman ruins and sights. Wandered back to our side of the Tiber and found a neat place to eat (bruschetta, prosciutto e melone, and fruit for only 8 euro - score!), grabbed some wine and beer and headed back to our apartment. spent the night playing Kings (aka "circle of death/fire, or Mr. Dickhead?! WTF?!) and Never have I ever.... started off with a bad one (never have i ever been tied up... woops) but recovered my innocence in the end =]

Day 3: woke up late from the night before, went on Bus Tour of Christian Rome with Ryan, Liz, and Ryan. Saw St. Peters Basilica, some freaky Christian catacombs (where Ryan scared the shit out of me), and St Pauls Basilica. I was bowled over by how beautiful and intricate everything was. How grand and reverent... Hard to believe that Christianity was ever a poor religion. Wish I could upload pictures, but the damn wifi on my phone is acting up. Went to meetngreet cafe, met some other students and met up with Robert and Catherine. Ryan ditched, and we headed back to the apartment to get pretty for the night. Wandered around Trastevere at night - what a sight to see, with everything lit up and the streets packed with locals! finally found a restaurant (between getting lost, getting distracted with a pyro artist, and looking at menus), and ate. Ordered a pizza e vegetable, was not as good as the ones everyone else had yesterday. picked up some bangin gelato (tiramisu was definitely the winner, whoop!) and headed down to the Tiber to check out the nightlife. Everything was PACKED TO THE BRIM with people, food, games, and so much beer. Met up with Ryan the ditcher (who left with party people 20 mins after we arrived), bought some beers by the River, and toasted to Independence Day. Went back around 130 to catch some sleep so I could wake up in the morning for my Sperlonga trip. Woke up at 330 to a drunken call from the Ditcher at the vatican, completely lost. Hang up and sleep.

Day 4 - Wake up at 7 with only four hours of sleep, head over to the meeting point with Alyse and Mary Margaret. Met a bunch of girls on the bus on the way over the Sperlonga, including a bunch of kids from Rutgers, and basically find a new circle of girlfriends for (at least) the day. Arrived at Sperlonga, the most BEAUTIFUL Mediterranean beach village, complete with white stucco walls and blue doors and views to die for. End up swimming and tanning and eating lunch (had a paella-esque risotto with shrimp and crab and mussels and clams - yum!). It was too hot to go back to tan, so we hike back up to the main village to soak in the gorgeous sights and eat gelato and smoke in the town square. We finally leave for Rome, a three hour trip on the bus where everyone passed out, and here I am. School starts tomorrow, so more updates later.

Back to Basics

It's been such a refreshing change of pace, this summer. From this crazy whirlwind of a year, juggling my internship, RCC, aKDPhi and being mommy, to my schoolwork, my boyfriend (now coming up 11 months!) and my family. I've sacrificed more than I realized, but I've been insisting all along that it would all be worth it. and it has been.

But I'm tired. I didn't realize just how tired until I was able to take this one deep breath and notice how much I'd been missing; notice how little I interact with the friends that aren't associated or not workmates; how grey my father's hair has been getting; how I've been missing out on cultivating new and exciting friendships as well as maintaining old ones; how my grades have been lackluster due to such a hectic schedule and inability to keep my priorities in check (academics, too late do I realize now, ALWAYS come first). This past year has really taken a toll on my nerves and body, and I don't think if it weren't for the steady, loving people that held me up when I let myself break down in private, I would be quite sane today.

So I'm working on it. Working on myself, making sure that I work my butt off for ME and MY grades before anything first. Working on these new friendships, getting to know new people and looking for prospective ******s. Working on mending this huge gap between my family and I, watching late night movies with my brother, gardening for my dad and early morning diner breakfast runs with my mom. Learning what to do with all these newfound time, filling it up with what I enjoy instead of what I must do for the sake of my job, my organization, my sisters. Learning WHAT it is that I enjoy, which was surprisingly simple (reverting back to my nerd days, and finding the next book or drama to obsessively pursue). I'm going back to the basics, finding out what essential parts of me are still here, and have not dissipated in my pursuit of ambition or success. I've owed this to myself for a very long time now.

Precious.

I've mentioned before that I often think of death, and how satisfied I would be with what I've accomplished if my life were to be suddenly cut short. I've always lived by this thought, by the determination that, should that ever happen to me, that I would never look back and see missed opportunities and half-hearted attempts. That I would look back, and see the legacy and the memories I've created, and harbor no regrets. Little did I know that I was thinking of Ying all along.

Ying was incredibly special to me. We were not close; when we spoke the rare times, she was nice but impersonal. But she represented so much to me - she was incredibly successful, a fearless and dedicated leader; she was smart, capable, and confident. She was part of the Cap and Skull Society, spearheaded the very first class of the AACC Internship, and, most importantly to me, re-dug RCC out of its ashes. She was everything I had hoped to become. Her name was carved into everything I accomplished, three steps ahead.

When I'd heard about her passing today, my thoughts immediately went to my thoughts about life, death, and success. Life is so incredibly precious, and could be taken away at any moment's notice. It does not wait for you to accomplish your goals, to mend friendships, to recover from heartbreak. You can't tell it to hold off until your birthday, can't promise it peaceful return in exchange for one last chance. To be able to look back, and believe that I have truly done everything I can and taken every opportunity I could, that is all I could wish for.

Rest in Peace, Ying. You will forever be VIVA RCC.

birthday cake!

Celebrating birthday a month early, since me nor the twin nor the pops will be in the same country for the first time ever. can't wait for the green tea cake from gateaux tonight... 've been craving cake since the last time I had it.

/fat.

but seriously, though, in the (almost) 21 years me and mei have celebrated our birthdays, we've never had a big shebang of a birthday party... and this is the last milestone for a while. I guess we'll just have to celebrate when we get back...

I feel obligated to do an end-of-the-year post, as I always do, but there's just too much to try to include in to the post, and it's not nearly dark enough outside yet for me to get contemplative. Will revert to drowning out my brain with korean dramas, as usual... i think my episodes finished downloading =]

Hey I'm interested in AACC but I'm a huge mix of ethnicities and it seems Asian orgs at Rutgers are intimidating if you aren't all about Asian life. How would i go about getting around to the AACC but still keeping my identity outside of the Asian label.

I'm so glad you asked! I completely understand what you mean about the Asian organizations on campus - they're all a great way to meet people and get involved, but alot of them are composed of very die-hard "Asian" Asian-Americans that don't really expand much outside of that network (I should know, I'm in quite a few!) - not that that's necessarily a bad thing!

The Asian American Cultural Center is a completely different sanction of Student Life though, and through this department you can actually access alot of incredible opportunities to meet people from ALL OVER the Rutgers University, not just the Asian American population. It has great connects to the other cultural centers, the CAPS office, other Student Life divisions and TONS of faculty, administrators, and student leaders that can help you find where you're most comfortable and happy. Rutgers is SUCH a huge school, and there's such a huge emphasis on Student Life, you'll be hard-pressed to find an area of student interest that's not covered!

Having such a diverse background like yours is such a blessing, because you can explore the different facets of your ethnicities and cultural history, and even current social issues people of color ALL experience today. The great thing that I've experienced while working at the AACC is that alot of the social and political issues we discuss as a community reaches so much further than the confines of the label "Chinese-American" or "Korean-American", but as a collective minority student population. Even by joining Asian Student Council, you'll be able to meet representatives from the Latino Student Council or the United Black Council or even the RUSA assembly, giving you great networks that expand way, way past just the "Asian" niche.

For you, I think the key balance is to figure out how to explore that Asian American side of you without being caught up with the "Asian label", as you put it haha. For me personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with being Asian-American -along with everything else you are! I take great pride in being a Chinese AMERICAN, and while I've found other opportunities to expand my network past the Asian community (namely, through the AACC and my sorority), just visiting the AACC can open alot of doors for you to meet and get involved with the AACC.

That was a really long rant, but the bottom line of action I would recommend you would be to:

1. Come to the AACC and talk to any of the Interns (myself included, if I'm still around next year HEH HEH) and/or JI LEE, the director of the AACC and quite a lady. Ji's the perfect person to hook you up to the AACC, as she's the resident boss lady and does EVERYTHING on campus! She knows EVERYTHING... lol. Also, the interns have alot of great connects too, and having been involved with the Center for at least a year or two, they'll be able to give great advice for what the next step for you to get involved would be.

2. Check out the Junior Internship program! It's a wonderful way to get involved with the Center and meet all sorts of people - student leaders, faculty, deans, administrators; PEOPLE who shake things up at Rutgers and make an impact. There is an application process, but don't be afraid to ask about it and see if it'll be something you're interested in! It was one of the most rewarding programs I'd ever experienced (and that's saying alot, I've been through alot!) and DEFINITELY worth at least checking out!

If you've got any additional questions and don't mind emailing me, hollur at fayemao89@gmail.com

Ask away!

so if you don't mind me asking, what colleges did you apply and get into? :D

oooh boy... that was a long time ago! but lets see, off the top of my head, I was... accepted into College of William and Mary, waitlisted at Tufts and Northwestern (but was later accepted into Northwestern -___-), and deferred from UChicago. I don't think I was denied admissions anywhere, but no one wanted me first round either =( But to be quite honest, I was accepted early into Rutgers, and I pretty much gave up on some of my applications after that point... I think I always knew I would end up at Rutgers. Ironically, I didn't apply to any of the Ivy Leagues, or even NYU for that matter, because

1. I knew my family wouldn't be able to afford it (my dad made it very clear that I would be eventually footing the bill), and
2. A whole slew of the same AP kids I went to high school with were applying to those schools, and I wasn't excited about the prospects of going to COLLEGE with half of them - having competed with them throughout all of high school, I'd had enough of proving myself to other people, and didn't want college to be a continuation of that.

I'll admit, Rutgers was definitely not my first choice - I was looking for the textbook example of the quaint, academically-oriented private college with my small circle of equally nerdy friends. But what I found here at Rutgers is worth so much more than I think that could've ever given me - it gave me a chance to explore who I was beyond the books and the competition, to see what I was capable of. I found a HUGE network, an incredible set of friends and sisters I know I could always trust and fall back on, and I found a new perspective to look at myself and the people around me and the world I live in.

Sometimes I see the friends from my hometown that have gone on to attend the "desired" schools, and not changed or grown one bit. They still rely on each other as their main source of friendship, ever tied to their high school days and ways and perspectives. And while I still keep ties to them and join them whenever I can, I can't help but think what would've happened if I had joined them at their schools. Would I have been as inextricably tied and unwilling to push myself forward? Would I have been the same as I used to be, just a passive observer of the action that I wanted to partake in? (no dirty innuendos intended!) Or would I have found my way out of the shell of what I used to be, all the same?

HOLY CRAP that was a friggin essay LOL. Sorry if I went way past what your expectations were of this answer. But I tend to wax philosophical around this time of the year...

Ask away!

Nutella Pocket Cookies

looks. so. fucking. delicious. especially right out of the oven...

I hope I have the courage to find that freedom.

after everything is said and done... what is the one thing you wish to accomplish in your lifetime? small... big... whatever it may be, what is that one thing?

I want to be happy and content with who I am and what I have. I want to have made a significant impact/contribution on the people around me and the community I serve. And I want to be remembered in a positive light.

Ask me shtuff!

do you ever get jealous of your sister?

YES. DEFINITELY. She's the looker between the two of us (in my opinion). And she's mad skinny! And I think her eyes are bigger. Plus she's not as socially awkward when you first meet her- I'm pretty shy when you first meet me; she's not as reserved as I am. I wish I had that kind of approachability! Plus, she can be pretty intimidating, but I kinda want that too, so people know not to mess with me! I clearly possess no such trait, judging from the amount of people that regularly make fun of me =( My friends are jerks!

Ask me shtuff!

you're pretty confident in yourself and sometimes even seem to act like you (or your sisters) are the shit. but honestly, what is one thing about your appearance that you dont like?

Wow, I'm not sure how to take this one... should I be offended? lol I dunno about acting like my sisters and I are the shit, but yes, I do have a deep pride in who I am and the letters I wear. Why shouldn't I be? I worked hard for these letters, and am just as aware of my capabilities as I am of my weaknesses. I've found over the years that it does no good to anyone who dwells on the weaker parts of themselves; I believe in either doing something about it or compensating by making another aspect of myself stronger. I'm self-aware and confident in who I am, but I guess that can be construed as cockiness...?

I actually don't have much that I DO like about my body. I've always been a little (correction: alot more than a little) insecure about my body, but I am particularly aware of my chubbery cheeks and round nose. And my belly, eek! But at the end of the day I think I'd rather be happy and chubby than skinny and miserable... Wasn't it Audrey Hepburn that said "I believe the happiest girls are the prettiest girls"?

Ask me anything

I lub you too Ali! haha. Make more time for me after school ends??

I SHALL I SHALL! Just fighting it out until April ends... and then I'M HOME FREEEE

Ask me anything

This isn't a question but I really admire you and your sister Marcia :) I'm really amazed how you're both strong women who stand up for what you believe in and I think anyone who tries to put you down is just jealous. =]

aww THANKS!! I think it's just that me and Marcia grew up arguing/debating with each other over EVERYTHING, and we're both decently intelligent people - with the combination of those two facts, we got REALLY GOOD at standing up for ourselves. I guess that gets us into trouble sometimes, but I've always had the attitude that if someone wants to say something, I should at least have the opportunity to respond effectively and perhaps change their minds.

Plus, I have no shame. Life is embarrassing, so might as well make the most of it, right? hahaha

Ask me anything

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

oh jeez. erm. meat? HAHA ionno! I love food too much, this question is heartbreaking.

Ask me anything

why do you smell like poop?

because i sit next to you in comm class =D

Ask me anything

what do you want to do with your life? what's on your bucket list?

oooh, this one's a good one - that's why I saved it for last!

For some reason, I think about death alot. Not in the morbid sense, or in a depressing way, but thoughtfully - how satisfied I would be if I had to look back on the past 20 years of my life and thought of what I could have achieved? I think I'm doing pretty okay so far; I feel like I've really taken advantage of every minute of my life to accomplish all the things I've wished to - in a way, I think it's this irrational fear of being forgotten, or not taking advantage of any and every opportunity that came my way that keeps me on my toes and actively pursuing more.

But I have very simple wishes in life - I don't have any grand ambitions to be the ruler of the world or to cure cancer... I just want to be happy and content, to never have to wish for more, and to have made a considerable positive impact on the community of people and causes I care about.

I never want to NOT be heard, or to be neglected or dismissed.

I want to garner respect and admiration and love from the people around me, from the people I love.

I want a family, with talented, bright, loving kids and a dopey,fuzzy dog.

I want to come back 20-30 years from now and watch my daughter pledge aKDPhi at Rutgers, and for people to still remember my name.

I want to travel the world, and see everything there is to see, and taste everything there is to taste. Except bugs. And I want a camera guy following me and documenting it, because I suck at taking pictures.

I want to eventually live by the ocean year-round, and live a simple life that will let me sit and watch the sun go down on the water whenever I'd like.

I want to find out what I'm REALLY DAMN GOOD AT in life (besides sleeping), and do it with a passion. I hate the thought of an office cubicle job for the rest of my life...

And finally, I want to live a fulfilling, satisfying life. No matter how long it is. I would rather live a short life of passion, love, and happiness than a long one of dull, passive and dispassionate survival.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me a question! http://formspring.me/lilee78

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/lilee78

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/lilee78

VDay

...was spent nursing the boy back to health from food poisoning. sigh.

This semester is going to be one lonnnnnng helluva ride. Pan-Asian just finished, only to have the "Re/Siting AAS" conference next week, NESC the week after, ECAASU the week after that. Not to mention our yet-uncelebrated 6 month anniversary, RCC events to look after (hoping these kids don't crash and burn their way through next year...), junior interns to watch and evaluate and boss around, and of course, my own children. Omitted, of course, is the man-child that is ever always in the equation.

Still yet to be resolved:

HOUSING for next year????

INTERNSHIPS for the summer????

STUDY ABROAD????

FUTURE????

Slushy, mushy, gushy...

shoes. Damn this rain. rain rain rain.

Where's my umbrella at?!

"now that we're closer more than ever, know that we'll always have each other,

you can stand under my umbrella, you can stand under my um-brel-la..."

OH!

and did I mention how epic of a semester this was going to be? You can't even begin to imagine. I hope I'm alive to see it to the end, though.

Breathing in...

a breath of fresh air. I love it when the air/tension has been cleared.

Food Journal: Compilation of the last two month's epic meals

Thanksgiving Dinner, 09. Fruit/Potato Salad, garlic mushrooms, grilled squash, Yorkshire Pudding, cranberry sauce, and of course, turkey. Celebrated with Auntie P & Q and Uncle F & P and co.
XMas Dinner, 09. Home-Roasted Chinese Duck, Stuffed Lobster, mushrooms. Just with the Lee Family.
New Years Eve dinner, 09/10. Daddy Lee's signature roast beef, medium rare.
New Years Eve dinner cont'd. Signature Yorkshire pudding.
Just Because Dinner, Jan 7, '10. Rack of Lamb in Dijon Crust and berry sauce.
Just Because Dinner, cont'd. Home-fried squab/pheasant, green beans and broccoli in garlic.

NOTE TO SELF: never, never, forget how blessed you are. and come home for dinner more often. Especially on rack of lamb night.

Fashion for All

There's a new issue of V Magazine, due to hit newstands in two weeks, that will be covering fashion for all sizes. One article features plus-size model/author Crystal Renn with her stereotypically stick-thin equal.



I think its brilliant. Both women are gorgeous in these glam frocks, and in some shots I do actually believe Renn outshines her skinny counterpart. Now if only I could look that good... maybe all I need is a thick shiny belt and some heels. And that GORGEOUS Michael Kors bag I spotted at the Jersey Shore Outlets today...


gorgeous, isn't it?!

More here: http://www.stylelist.com/2009/12/22/plus-size-model-crystal-renn-rocks-v-magazines-size-issue/?icid=main|aim|dl3|link3|http://www.stylelist.com/2009/12/22/plus-size-model-crystal-renn-rocks-v-magazines-size-issue/

Lee food shopping

Went grocery shopping today with the mom and pops hungry. baaaaad idea. ended up buying 1.5lbs of shrimp, three different kinds (and body parts) of fish, veggies, two giant "lo bak"s for "lo bak go", four pheasants for roasting, chicken, scallops... the list goes on.

Looking at all the groceries my parents buy, all RAW and unprepared, it is only starting to dawn on me how amazing it is that they can cook all of this to perfection. C'mon, roasted chinese pheasants?! Shrimp in garlicy sweet and sour sauce? Deliciously slow boiled "pei dan" congee with "lo bak go" and fried "cheung fun" for lunch? This is only the Chinese food too; juicy golden turkey with crispy skin and yorkshire pudding are seasonal staples in the Lee home; lobster, whole-steamed or stuffed and baked or wok-fried with mounds and mounds of garlic and green onion; roast beef and whole racks of lamb prepared with home made mint sauce and gravy; crab and oysters as soon as they go on sale are served the same night the coupons come in are all typically served on any given whim Daddy Lee feels. And all prepared lovingly with well-worn hands and taste-tested with experienced tongues. I'm very, very good at eating, but you can't be a good eater for long without learning where and how the good eats come from, but I'm ashamed to say that I haven't learned much in the ways of cooking. I will be a haughty, miserable, skinny bachelorette come graduation, when my parents have retreated to HK and I'm left to my own devices to eat home-cooked food.

And my friends wonder why I love food so much.

As epic of a year as Bruce Lee can bring

Mmmm, if only I was born 50 years ago...


Happy New Year, everyone!